Saying “no” doesn’t mean you don’t care

“One of the most painfully inauthentic ways we show up in our lives sometimes is saying “yes” when we mean “no,” and saying “no” when we mean “hell yes.””
Brené Brown

As someone who loves to please others, I often find that I end up with a calendar that looks like someone is very good at playing tetris, with meetings and demonstrations and training as the blocks and my days fill up dramatically to the point where finding white space or even a lunch break is difficult to do. Sound familiar?

Let me be clear, saying “yes” is one of the most powerful statements you have to offer – it is a clear indication that you want to help someone, or that you care about what they are doing. Yes is a profoundly positive and exciting word.

But what happens when you say yes one too many times?

  • Meetings start to pile up meeting you are running from one to the other and not getting time to focus on your core responsibilities
  • Meetings start eating into your personal time “oh I was hoping to leave at X o’clock but I can probably push that a bit”… an hour… two hours…etc.
  • The quality of your work slips because you’re balancing too many plates and only able to give an ever decreasing % of your time to individual tasks
  • Conflicts occur more easily when people book in follow up meetings at the same times as other meetings you’ve said yes to
  • People’s expectation of you shifts – not knowing that you are overburdened they expect you to thrive on that sort of “busy” and will continue to come to you with requirements

The negative ramifications of saying yes can be many, which leaves us in a fundamentally twisted catch-22, where what is supposed to be your most positive word can actually harm your work, your personal relationships and even your mental health.

Now I’m not saying that you should be asserting “no” to everything someone asks, it is very much a case of how you communicate. Communication is the best way of handling these sorts of situations because, and you may forget this often (but it’s worth reminding yourself) – people are just that, people.

No one is going to fly off the handle if you tell them “I can appreciate your situation and I understand why you require me for this, however I’m currently at capacity and my current priorities are dealing with X and Y instead.” There is nothing stopping you from also suggesting other avenues they may be able to go down, or other people they may be able to speak to, to help them with their problem/meeting etc.

One of my favorite phrases in the world is “When you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes” (then you’re a mile away and you have their shoes! haha) but the key is not trying to do the same job or answer the same queries as someone, it’s merely empathizing with them and seeing it from their perspective. So when you are struggling with workload, look for proactive solutions to help, but don’t feel you have to put yourself in harms way to do so.

Conversely, if you work with someone who is constantly overburdened or chasing their own tail – consider, what can you do to help them? If you have additional overhead, be proactive and see if there’s anything you can do to share problems or thoughts.

A phrase I always hear when working with people to implement DevOps processes for their databases is “I simply don’t have time for this at the moment.“, despite the fact that the very solutions we’re discussing – whether they are related to tooling or processes– will save them time and help them get a handle on their current and future workloads. In many situations, this can be simply addressed by breaking down some of the silos they’re experiencing in their company, and asking for help.

The top 3 tips I can offer to people who are afraid of saying no, or who flat out refuse to do so are this:

  1. Communicate. Tell people you feel overwhelmed, help them understand why your current load is too much so they understand what you’re up against.
  2. Ask for help. Many consider this to be a sign of weakness, but the most successful people aren’t the one’s who just do everything by themselves, they are the ones who know how to tap into the empathy, expertise and knowledge of those around them.
  3. Manage your time better. Revisit your priority list and identify what you can delegate, or ask for help on. Make time for yourself to catch up, to do admin work or to blog, for instance! Definitely make sure you take time for things (even block them out in your calendar provisionally) like lunches and leaving on time because allowing your brain to break away from the constant pace of everyday life when it’s not overwhelmed inspires creativity and problem solving, and will actually better prepare you for the challenges ahead.

So no. Saying “no” does not mean you don’t care, in fact it means the opposite, you do care – but you’re prioritizing, doing your best to ensure the demands of the job are met, but most importantly you’re putting your own health first.

Stop calling yourself an idiot.

“Be you, love you. All ways, always.”
Alexandra Elle

You’ve probably heard it a lot; in the workplace, at home, from yourself. The dreaded phrase “oh sorry, I’m just being an idiot.” It doesn’t always have to be “idiot”, it can be “moron”, “I’m being stupid”… the list goes on and on.

I’m going to say something you may or may not like, whether you do or not is irrelevant as it does not diminish it’s truth.

You are not an idiot. Nor have you ever been one.

Many people use this phrase to excuse mistakes they make or to emphasize that they know better but had followed a gut instinct to do something forgetting the best or ‘correct’ way of doing it, but that is neither stupidity nor idiocy. It is being human.

I work with so many intensely clever people, not just when it comes to knowing about DevOps, or knowing about SQL Server, but about things in general. Regardless of what the thing you know is, you know something and in many cases more about it than many people around you and you should take pride in that. I’m not by any means insisting that you should be arrogant or full of yourself, but you should be confident about the things you know and the experiences you have had that got you to that point.

Thinking less of yourself for simple mistakes (and that’s all they are, small, easily rectified things) is damaging not only to other people’s perceptions of you but it’s how you are reinforcing your negative perception of yourself. The more you repeat this to yourself like a mantra you undermine the self belief and self love you have for yourself, you are making a very simple but very effective statement to the world that you are not worthy.

Do you really believe that? If so, then it is time for introspection and a more fundamental soul searching exercise to lead yourself to acceptance and contentment. My feeling is though that 99% of people reading this will know that they are worthy, both of the love of other people as well as the love of themselves.

It is deeply rooted in the language we use and is an observed behavior that we grow up with and adopt into our own personal idiosyncrasies, so it is time to change up the language we use about ourselves. Take each mistake or negative feeling you have about your own knowledge, observations and/or performance and simply change the way you describe it to yourself, which can have a huge impact on how you remember and feel about that event. Challenge the use of negative terminology and use updated and positive self-affirming phrasing – you can find some great examples of this here: https://www.healthline.com/health/positive-self-talk#examples-of-positive-self–talk

I’ll give you a key example as I am very guilty of doing this myself, in the hope’s that giving a personal context will allow you to more easily identify where you can give yourself some more love. Yesterday I had a meeting with the wonderful Kendra Little (who I have already spoken about a number of times on here, but yet again she comes to the rescue) where we were discussing an upcoming webinar that we’ll be conducting together. I asked Kendra for some additional time for us to sync up later in the week so we could best discuss the format for the webinar, do a run through and (ad verbatim):

“I need to know roughly when each of us should be talking, because whilst I would naturally be more quiet and let the super-expert speak, but I don’t want to come across as the creepy guy who joins a webinar and sits there in silence not contributing anything for an hour.”

Can you see what was wrong with that? The language I used to immediate diminish my own value, without even being conscious of it at the time?

Quite rightly, I was met with silence on Kendra’s part which was immediately followed up with: “Chris. You just managed to describe all of the key benefits of this model over the more traditional single models in detail, in a way that people will understand. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

That stuck with me all evening and on reflection on how I spoke about myself I realize how right Kendra is. I am here for a reason, I was invited to participate in the webinar for a reason, and people care what I have to say.

So take some time for you, take a good hard look at how you speak about yourself, your accomplishments and your mistakes and realize, you are anything but an idiot. You are wonderful.

The best vegan salted caramel apple and pear crumble/crisp I ever did see!

Pull up a chair. Take a taste. Come join us. Life is so endlessly delicious.”
Ruth Reichl

Imma stop you right now. I know how this goes, you open a blog post about food and you expect 3 things. A story about why I made it, the recipe and pictures.

I have no pictures. We ate it. I’m sorry, I couldn’t wait.

There’s no story either. My mum and step-dad were coming round for dinner last night (we made a roasted cauliflower, new potato and mushroom curry which was insanely good – yay, go my wife for being an awesome cook!) but we needed a dessert.

I found a couple of recipes I liked but each had elements of the other I wanted to include. So I made my own! Specific thanks to Bosh! for the Salted Caramel recipe in particular from their UK show “Living on the Veg“.

So without further ado, or description of the weather outside or why I love comfort food. Here’s a recipe you should try!

For the filling:

  • 1 x Pink Lady apple
  • 1 x cooking apple
  • 1 x braeburn apple
  • 3 x rocha pears
  • 3 tablespoons maple syrup
  • 2 teaspoons cinnamon
  • Pinch of Salt
  • 1 teaspoon coconut oil

For the salted caramel:

  • 100g pitted dates (Medjool desirable)
  • 120ml hot water
  • Large pinch flaked sea salt

For the crumble/crisp topping:

  • 75g vegan butter / coconut oil
  • 50g Soft Brown Sugar
  • 115g all-purpose flour
  • 1 heaped tablespoons ground almonds
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1 small handful rolled oats

Steps:

  1. Pre-heat oven to 180 C (350 F)
  2. Peel, core and chop apples and pears into cubes, about the size of a large thumbnail
  3. Melt the coconut oil in a pan over a medium heat and then add the apples, pears, salt, cinnamon and maple syrup then cook for 10 minutes until soft
  4. Whilst the fruit is cooking add the topping ingredients to a bowl and (using your hands) combine into a breadcrumb style texture
  5. Add the dates, water and salt to a blender / nutribullet and blend until smooth
  6. Take the fruit off of the heat and stir in the date caramel mixture to combine then pour contents into an over proof dish
  7. Top with the crumble mixture and lightly press down to ensure all gaps are filled
  8. Bake uncovered for 30 minutes then serve piping hot with vegan custard or cream-alternative

Enjoy!

Accountability, not blame

“When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself.”
Deepak Chopra

Last week, I didn’t blog.

Why? Well there is no real excuse, I had opportunities to and I prioritized other things around and over it which led to a simple and inescapable fact: for the first time this year, I didn’t blog.

Every day I speak to people about development processes and adopting more agile methodologies; utilizing source control effectively and deploying better code more frequently. One of the biggest wins in this process is the level of accountability managers and teams are able to adopt. You can see exactly who has been doing what, when and why and this allows you to communicate more effectively, share ideas and ultimately deliver more value to the people consuming your end product.

One thing that always gets me though is when people, and there are many, talk about the ability to catch bad code, and holding developers accountable for their actions. Some people see this for what it really is, a feedback loop. Feedback is the single greatest thing one can receive on any of life’s paths; whether this be feedback on an essay you wrote, or on your personal tone and manners in social situations. The goal of feedback is for you to learn, to adapt, to grow.

But some people see it as a ‘blame game’, holding people bang-to-rights and using feedback to attack, rather than nurture. Trying to adapt what is primarily a process for growth and turning it into an opportunity to escape accountability for your own actions and to make another feel inferior as a by-product is a clear indicator of someone who is, as Deepak says, avoiding a deep and potentially unsettling truth about themselves.

This style of blame is akin to bullying, emotional abuse either within or outside the workplace and is catagorically not the style of accountability (if you can call it that) you or anyone should be adopting and crucially…

If you see or hear anyone giving ‘feedback’ like this, take the opportunity to speak to that person (when possible) and explain why what they are doing is so destructive.

The best way to tackle destructive negative feedback is with constructive feedback and understanding.

So no, I didn’t blog. Do i feel bad about this? Well, perhaps in some way – but crucially, the reason i didn’t blog is that I consciously prioritized other things in my life that required my attention, and I’m glad I did. The other things that I’m working on, both personally and professionally, are making me happy and fulfilled. Blogging will come with time and there will be weeks where I am not able to, but I will catch up as priorities shift themselves back to normal, stable, day-to-day levels.

I have learned from this week that there are better ways to organize my time, and this is important feedback to give myself to ensure in the future I am able to get through everything I would like to and to still have time for me, so it has been a very important learning curve.

This week, my wife and I are on holiday and I have made the decision to turn on my out-of-office and turn off work-email notifications and I will be using this time instead to focus on the one person in the world who makes me feel like nothing can stop me, who’s always there with a thoughtful, beautiful smile – and that is the very least she deserves.

I am accountable to myself to ensure I am doing the things I must, and behaving as I should – but I refuse to blame myself for taking time out for my mental health, for taking opportunities to grow… and for not prioritizing blogging.

I hope you all have a wonderful week and that your 2020 is off to the most wonderful start as we leave a cold and dark January behind us and I’ll see you back here for more of what you’ve seen so far and more!

P.S. £10 for the missed week takes the total for the ‘2020 blogging challenge’ donation to MIND up to £130 in December, a happy product of holding myself accountable.